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The Control Myth — Why We Hold On & How to Let Go

  • Writer: Maya Goldberg
    Maya Goldberg
  • Mar 6
  • 4 min read

Updated: Jun 1


The Control Myth

Introduction: The Subtle Ways We Try to Be in Control


Most of us don’t think of ourselves as “controlling.” We imagine control freaks as micromanagers or perfectionists who demand things be done their way. But in reality, the need to control often operates in much subtler ways — ones that can feel entirely reasonable, even essential.


We might people-please in relationships, subtly trying to influence how others feel about us. We may manage our self-image carefully, presenting ourselves a certain way — to others and even to ourselves. We might try to suppress or change emotions, not only because they’re uncomfortable but because we’ve learned they’re “inappropriate” or signs of weakness. And we often obsess over the past or the future, believing that if we think, plan, or push hard enough, we can control the outcomes.


Feeling in control can be comforting. It offers us a sense of safety and security in a world filled with uncertainty. But how much control do we really have — and what’s the cost of prioritizing and chasing it? When we find ourselves stuck in planning loops, overwhelmed by our emotional reactions, or hyper-focused on how we're perceived, isn't it worth asking what it is that's driving us — a healthy sense of responsibly, or perhaps simply an impulse to avoid uncertainty?


The Desire for Control and the Fear Beneath It


Control isn’t really about power — it’s about fear. We hold on tightly because we’re afraid of what might happen if we don’t.


We fear the unknown: “If I don’t control the outcome, I’ll be caught off-guard.”

We fear failure: “If I don’t manage every detail, I’ll fall short — and people will see me as a joke.”

We fear success: “If I succeed, others will expect more of me, and I won’t be able to keep up.”

We fear rejection: “If I don’t act a certain way, people won’t accept me.”

And we fear appearing weak: “If I don’t get my emotions under control or be self-sufficient, I’ll look pathetic.”


Over time, this chronic effort to control people, emotions, and outcomes increasingly compromises our well-being. It creates a kind of internal void that gets harder to fill — one that leads not to peace and growth, but to burnout, psychological isolation, and even suffering.


The Myth of Control


There’s a fundamental difference healthy responsibility and a false sense of control. Healthy responsibility begins with actively living by one's authentic values in the present —and grants powerful resilience in the face of life's uncertainty. False control, on the other hand, is rooted in something similar to "magical thinking": the belief that with enough will power, we can find a way to shape things and outcomes that are beyond our control — both objectively and realistically.


If you frequently find yourself strategizing, overthinking, or panicking when things go off script, it may be a sign that your relationship with control isn't granting you the freedom and peace you were hoping for. Trying to preempt others’ reactions, avoid painful thoughts and emotions, or regularly seeking comfort through detachment and isolation — these are all signs that the never-ending chase after control might be doing more harm than good.


The truth is, we control very little. Other people, outcomes, and even our own thoughts and feelings often refuse to conform to our long-term plans. The more we try to bend those things to our will, the more overwhelmed and distressed we become.


The Big Paradox: Letting Go Is Empowerment


Letting go of the idea that complete control is attainable — even desirable — doesn’t mean giving up on setting goals, making plans, or pursuing dreams. On the contrary. It means gaining deep self-confidence and resilience in return.


Letting go is the act of focusing on what we can control — our actions, our choices, our responses and reactions — rather than attempting to tame the uncontrollable. It means embodying our personal principles instead of trading them for outcomes. It means allowing thoughts and emotions to pass through instead of resisting or numbing them. It means anchoring our worth in our authentic selves, not external validation.


And crucially, it means refusing to compare our "insides" to someone else’s "outsides." What we perceive in others is rarely the whole picture. When we stop performing and start focusing on what we want to stand for in life, something shifts and we begin to truly live.


How to Begin Letting Go


Letting go isn’t about passivity. It’s about discernment — learning when to act and when to step back. We shift our mindsets from outcomes to process. Instead of asking, “How do I ensure everything goes my way,” we try asking, “What’s the next right thing I can do?”


We learn to recognize where control ends. Instead of, “Have I done everything to make this person react the way I want,” we ask ourselves, “Have I expressed myself authentically and with dignity?" — and we let the outcome take care of itself.


We can practice tolerating uncertainty in small doses.

We can let someone else make the plans. We can pause before checking our phones. We can say, “I need to think about it” instead of rushing to have an answer right away.


And when anxiety builds, we don’t isolate. We share it. We speak it. We find someone who can listen — a friend, a therapist, a random member in our support group. We find that the feeling of being heard and connected is often more regulating than control ever was.


Conclusion: The Freedom in Letting Go


We spend much of our lives trying to manage the unmanageable. But the harder we grip, the more drained, fearful, and disconnected we become.


Complete control is a myth.

It's the process that defines us, not outcomes.

And focusing on control only traps us in a growing fear that we're unable to deal with life as it is.


What frees us is the shift in focus: away from certainty and perfection, toward grounded action, internal clarity, and openness to experience.


Letting go is not the end of power — it’s the beginning of real strength.




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